A little over a year ago my mom called to tell me she had secretly married her 4th husband a month prior to that phone call. She married husband #4 the exact same day that her divorce from husband #3 was finalized. This of course, was after a very long and difficult summer which included my mother repeatedly being admitted to a nearby mental health facility. She called me almost daily and unexpectedly showed up at my door on more than one occasion to discuss her failing 3rd marriage and constant new accusations against husband #3 who, up until then, had been nothing short of a perfect husband to her (her words), erratic behavior on her part and countless lies. I had just found out I was pregnant with J and after experiencing a
devastating miscarriage earlier in the year, I knew I needed to simplify my life and let go of the people and things that were only bringing me heartache.
My relationship with my mother is a long and windy road with many bumps. There's an old scenic road in Arkansas called Pig Trail. Rumor has it that the name Pig Trail came after the road was created while chasing a pig through the woods. If I had to put a name on my relationship with my mom I would name it Pig Trail. It's like chasing a psychotic pig through a forest of feelings. Angry, ecstatic, sad, happy, excited, enraged, loving. Each emotion shifting from moment to moment. It's not easy for me to talk about her because it is such a strange and somewhat unique situation. It's hard for other people to understand that some mothers lack that nurturing, loving quality that makes a mother a mom. Which confuses me because there are always stories in the news about abusive, negligent parents. Is it only believable once the mother has done something so tragic that it makes headlines? My mom has given me 2 excuses for being a lousy parent. 1.) She was so young when she had me, only 17, and 2.) I never let her be my mom. It is true, I do hold her accountable for her mistakes but those were never very good excuses for years of neglect and emotional abuse in my book. There is a lot I could say about my mom, but like I said, it's not easy for me. Honestly, it's too much for one blog post anyway. I felt like this was a long time coming though and I've decided to write about it now because after that phone call last October, I decided enough was enough and I needed to close the door on that part of my life and a relationship that would never be healthy. That meant removing my M and J's biological grandmother from their lives.
I call my mom a stunt queen because she is always pulling stunts. My whole life was like a roller coaster with her. But not like a fun, exciting new roller coaster. More like an old rickety roller coaster that is a little fun but mostly terrifying because you're convinced any minute a board will crack and the whole roller coaster will come crashing down with you on it.The cycle would always go like this: She would come into my life, she would be present and as loving as she could be, although it never felt genuine. She would stick around for a while, then she would pull one of her stunts. I would get upset, we would fight, she would play the victim and tell everyone how awful I was being to her. I would rarely share my side of the story because 1.) No one ever believed me, how could a mother be so awful? It's easier for people to believe a child is bratty and ungrateful and 2.) I'm pretty private, I always thought it was between the 2 of us and I didn't want to drag anyone else into that mess because it's awful. I'm not saying she was Precious by Sapphire's mother or anything, not quite that terrible. She was bad in her own special way. I always knew something was not right but when you're young there is so much you don't understand, especially when it comes to something as complex as mental illness. When anyone would ask about my mom, I would just say "We don't get along. She's crazy." I didn't know how else to describe her and it also left our relationship open to interpretation. I didn't have to go into detail and usually people would assume our relationship was a normal mother/teenage daughter relationship with normal ups and downs. Keyword being normal, when we were anything but normal. My relationship with my mother and my unusual home life (her erratic behavior and my emancipation from her when I was a teenager) made it difficult to get close to people and make friends. I lost a lot of friends when I became emancipated, I was living with her 2nd husband. Parents didn't want their daughters sleeping over at my house when I didn't have a mom and lived with my mom's 2nd ex-husband who was not my father.
My mom met and moved in with husband #3 within 1 year of her divorce from husband #2. She had done the same when she divorced my dad and married husband #2, it all happened within 1 year. Are you starting to see a pattern? She can't be alone. Each marriage tends to end the same way, always with accusations of abuse after she has an affair. Her first 2 marriages lasted approximately 7 years each so everyone was a little surprised when her marriage to husband #3 reached the 10 year mark. We thought she had finally settled that restlessness inside her. Finally found someone who knew how to ground her. On the outside, everything looked completely fine between the 2 of them. You can imagine my shock when she unexpectedly showed up (uninvited) at my house crying one day. She started telling me that things weren't going well between them, she accused husband #3 of abuse. I immediately thought to myself "Here we go, she's found someone else." They both insisted that they had drifted apart and no 3rd party was involved. But I know my mother. My stunt alarm went off when she started telling me about how husband #3 was upset with her because she was having lunch with an "elderly gentleman" who she knew from church. During a disastrous trip to Disney World last May I started piecing together little bits of information until I knew without a doubt that she was in fact having an affair with "the elderly man from church", who was really only a few years older than her. Soon after, my mom and husband #3 began divorce proceedings. The divorce was difficult on my mom. I truly believe she did not want to go through with it, deep down. She was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder, she began taking medication but it didn't seem to work because she was in and out of mental health facilities all summer. Her mother, my grandmother, has written a few books, nothing you've heard of but they are on Amazon. Grandma decided to write a book about my mother's now 3rd ex-husband, describing him as a man who saves lives in the community as an EMT but sexually and physically abuses his wife behind closed doors. I understand supporting your children but not ruining a man's life and reputation based on the accusations of someone who is mentally ill. I encouraged my mother to take some time and get to know herself. She met my dad when she was 15 and had pretty much been in a relationship with someone since that time. She never took time to find out who she was without being someone's significant other. Last October, she called to tell me that my sister was angry with her because she had gotten married a month ago and kept it a secret. I had recently found out that I was pregnant and after experiencing a miscarriage earlier in the year, I was trying to stay positive and stress-free for the health of both the baby and myself. I calmly told her to give my sister some time to cool off. I told my mom that it wasn't fair for her to keep a secret like that after everything else she had put us through. I also told her she was an adult and so was I (thank goodness) and I didn't really care who she married anymore but that I didn't appreciate being lied to and my sister had a right to be upset for the same reason. I told her I was in the process of putting my daughter to bed and really didn't have time to deal with yet another one of her self induced crises. When I hung up the phone, I wasn't angry. I was tired. That was the last time I talked to her. She called a few times around Christmas last year. She called when she found out through the grapevine that I was pregnant. I blocked her calls so that they went straight to voicemail but listening to the voice mails was too much. She's a great victim and an even better manipulator. She's been playing the game for a long time. It's not my first time at her rodeo. The best way to describe it is that my mother has been putting on a stunt show or magic show my entire life, probably longer.I've been sitting front row at this stunt show my entire life. Other people are in the audience but they are all sitting in the nose bleed section. I'm the only one sitting close enough to see the strings and trap doors she's using. Other people can come and go as they please but I'm not allowed to leave, every time I try someone shoves me back in my seat. I'm forced to sit there and watch this show play out over and over. I've seen it so many times that I have the stunts memorized. Eventually I changed my number. It's been 14 months since I talked to my mom and even longer since I saw her. She lives 30 minutes away from me. Even if I hadn't forced this break in our relationship, she probably would have only seen my children once or twice over the course of the last year anyway. That's just how she is. She comes and goes.
This isn't meant to bash her. I don't like that this is the way things are. I've tried everything to help her and sometimes to change her but it's not my responsibility to change her. Now I have a family of my own and I want to do what is best for them. Having her around is not what is best for my kids. I can't stand the thought of them sitting by the front door waiting for her to show up because she promised to come visit or take them on some wild adventure she told them about, me knowing she's not coming and we most likely won't hear from her for weeks. No excuses given, just a total no-show and no remorse on her part. She'll hide out until I forgive and forget. She's done the same thing to me so many times and I know how heartbreaking it can be. I can already see the card and cupcakes sitting by the front door every year when I bring them home from school on their birthday, a note inside the card explaining that she stopped by at noon on a Thursday to spend their birthday with them but they weren't home knowing it is because they're at school. As if it's their fault she wasn't able to see them. It is my job to protect them from someone I know is only capable of bringing drama and heartbreak into their lives. You wouldn't let an suspected child molester or serial killer babysit your kids would you? Why would I allow someone that I know, without a doubt will emotionally damage my children into their lives? I know I can't protect them from everything forever but I feel responsible for this, for her, my mother. I know my husband has had to watch her play emotional mind games with me for 13 years and he thinks I've been happier the last year than I have ever been. That has to count for something. A few days ago M was asking us to explain who our parents are. Explaining her dad's parents was easy, she knows Nana and Pop well. She spent some time with Grandpa Bill (my dad) recently so that was easy too. I couldn't explain my mother so I just didn't bring it up. I stopped with "and Mommy's dad is Grandpa Bill." I don't know what to say. She didn't ask about my mom and despite spending a week with her at Disney World last summer, she doesn't remember her.
Every person has their good qualities, even my mom. I do have 2 or 3 good memories of her from my childhood. She could do a spot on Donald Duck impression which is hilarious and extremely cool when you're under 10 years old. I remember being probably 3 years old and sitting in the front seat of her car (it was the 80's and people cared very little for the safety of their children apparently, shame on all of you!) as we drove down a very steep hill on our way to City Park. She always made me pretend we were on a roller coaster and we would put our hands up and scream as our tummies did flip flops. I remember spider swinging on the swing with her at the park, my head on her chest and feeling like this is what it feels like to have a mom. It never lasted long though. When I was 5 she went out of town for a while and when she came back she was waiting for me at the front door of my grandma's house when I got off the school bus. She hugged me and I remember being really confused because she never hugged me. My mom is an excellent play mate for little kids but she's not a great mother. One of the last times she came to my house to visit M, I remember watching them from the kitchen window, they were in the backyard playing. My mom chasing after M with a crown on her head and pajamas on. I wondered what the neighbors must think about this crazy lady chasing my toddler through the yard. But M was having a blast. I'm grateful to her for taking M to Disney World. It was by far the nicest thing she has ever done for me. Although, it was stressful. It was right in the middle of her most recent crisis, just before she checked into a mental health facility for the first time. In hind sight I can see how unwell she was at the time. We took M to see the Barney Live Show and afterward we were able to play in Barney's Backyard for about 15 minutes before the next show started and a new group came in. It wasn't a lot of time and there was a lot to do. When they blew the whistle letting us know it was time to go, my mom complained about how they hadn't even had a chance to play in the sand yet. Everyone else left, I was holding M and waiting on my mom. The Barney's Backyard employee was waiting on us and we both watched my 40-something year old mother play in the sand. Alone.
I know they don't need her. We have so many wonderful people in our lives. They have their Nana and Pop. Their Grandpa Bill in Arkansas. My grandma, "Granny Ginger" who M adores as much as I do already and I know J will too. They have my aunt Dawn who has always been so much more than just an aunt to me. On my wedding day, Dawn was the only person who stayed with me while I entered the church, quietly taking her seat at the back as I began to walk down the aisle. She loves my kids like they are her grandchildren and Aunt Dawn is one of M's favorite people. Dawn's son, Rance has always been my brother, even though we're really cousins. Truth is, Rance and I have always been closer than my sister and I are. My kids have so my wonderful people in their lives, they're not missing anything. I just don't want them to think I made the decision to cut my mom out of our lives for them.
This is definitely one of the hardest parenting decisions I've been faced with so far and I knew that I needed to figure it out, for my kids. I know parents make mistakes and I'm sure I will make my fair share of mistakes. I will always give it my best shot though. That's not something I can say my mom ever did. I made my first appointment with a family counselor a few months ago. I wanted to run things by a professional. I needed someone to reassure me that it is OK for me to make this decision. I needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. I don't always get a lot of understanding when I tell people about the decision I made to distance myself from my mother and her side of the family.
I know a lot of people don't agree with my choice and I understand that. This decision was based on a lifetime of pain and disappointment, not based on a handful of disagreements. I'm not asking for you to agree or understand my choice, just accept that I am doing the right thing for me and my family. My mother deserves love, everyone does. If you love her, I encourage you to continue loving her as long as you can. My relationship with her is just that, our relationship. It's not the same relationship she shares with other people in her life. She's a different person to each person on her life. I've told you about my mother, my version of her. I've reached a point in my life where I need to surround myself with loving, happy, supportive people. I feel like I'm in a good place. I'm happy and my family is happy. That has to mean something, right?
"I've learned that to be with those I like is enough" -Walt Whitman
*Disclaimer: The purpose of this blog post was to share a life experience. It is not meant to damage anyone emotionally or hurt anyone's reputation. This is my version of the story, everyone has their own version. I have done my absolute best to be truthful, accurate and honest. Some of these events were retold to me by someone else and I have written them the way the information was passed on to me. If at any point this post becomes hurtful or damage, I will gladly remove it and write any necessary apologies or correct any false information. Basically, please don't sue me. I'm just trying to tell my side of a story. The photographs attached are my property and can be removed if asked.
