30%

That's the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage, maybe more, according to my doctor.

After we had M, Ryan and I knew we wanted another baby soon. I really wanted them to be close in age. I am the oldest of 5 but my oldest (younger) sibling is 5 years younger than me. I don't know if it was because of the 5 year age difference or had more to do with family issues, but my sister and I never got along. We still, even in our 20s, struggle to get along for more than a few months at a time. I know I'll do my best to avoid the same family issues that may have caused my sister and I to fight so much, and I wanted to try to avoid a big age gap between M and baby #2. At first we thought we would start trying again as early as 9 months after having M and as late as 18 months. Nine months came and went, then M's 1st birthday arrived and we started to seriously talk about having another baby, we talked for 3 more moths and finally decided to wait another year. We'll try again at the end of 2012 we said. I found out I was pregnant on November 21st. I had my suspicions for a few weeks but Ryan convinced me it was all in my head, but it was time for insurance open enrollment and November 21st was the deadline, so I had to find out. We were shocked, scared, excited and started making plans right away (because that's what I do). Names, how to arrange the bedrooms, etc....

Everything about this 2nd pregnancy was different. I was so sick, at least once a day, usually after dinner, sometimes multiple times a day. With M, I only had "morning sickness" a few times, usually if I let myself get too hungry and then ate too much. I learned pretty quickly not to do that and I always kept snacks with me. This time, nothing worked. I was tired but not in the same way, it was more of a "I don't want to move" tired than "I just want to nap" tired, if that makes sense. I started showing pretty quickly, which I also did when pregnant with M. So, I pulled my maternity clothes out of storage at 6 weeks. By 9 weeks, I was noticeably pregnant. I felt pregnant right away, I could feel my stomach hardening and getting rounder, I could feel that little bit of something new growing in there. The difference this time was that I couldn't FEEL the baby, I couldn't feel the life. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't been to the doctor yet and maybe it just hadn't settled in my mind that I was going to be the mother of 2. We had our first OB appointment scheduled for 10 weeks so we could hear the heartbeat at our first appointment. I thought that after that, it would be different. Maybe then I would start to bond with the new baby. I felt M right away, and felt so much love for her as soon as I found out about her. It just was not the same this time. I also thought that maybe I'm just too busy with M to notice right now and maybe things will be different when the baby starts moving, or after the sonogram and I see who's in there. I just kept trying to convince myself everything was ok but I think I knew that it wasn't.

We went in for our first OB appointment January 5th. I remember telling Ryan in the car before we went in that I was nervous and he asked why. I told him it was because doctor's always make me nervous but I don't think that was it. M pooped while we were in the waiting room, I went back alone and Ryan stayed behind to change her diaper. I told him I would have them come and get him when it was time to hear the heartbeat or do the ultrasound. The doctor and I talked for a while, the usual questions, I felt so impatient. Towards the end of the conversation, I felt her wrapping things up and I asked "But, aren't we going to get to hear the heartbeat or anything today?". She told me usually we would wait until the next appointment in a week when they planned on doing my OB workup. Maybe she saw the desperate look on my face, I don't know, but she decided we could do it that day. I asked her to get Ryan from the waiting room. She came back with Ryan, M, and a rickety old ultrasound machine that was probably as old as me. She said the ultrasound room was in use so she would try to use the old portable machine. Ryan and M waited by my feet while the doctor squirted the cold ultrasound gel on my belly. As she began to roll the little ultrasound wand over my belly, my eyes were glued to the screen. I couldn't wait to see the baby. But there was no baby. Just a weird looking sack. Nothing else. So many things ran through my mind at the time, she's not doing it right, the machines not working, there's no baby...... She quickly turned the machine off and asked me if I was sure about how far along I should be. I told her I was 100% sure. She told us to wait just a minute while she went next door to find out if she could get us into the actual ultrasound room. She said "Maybe it's the machine, I'm not going to lie though, I'm concerned, we need to use the newer machine". She came back and said the ultrasound tech would see us next, just as soon as she finished with her current patient. We moved to a waiting room, Ryan and M played with legos and I just sat there... waiting. At some point, I sent my friend Missy a text and told her what just happened. Hoping that if I told someone, maybe it would be nothing and everything would be fine. I'm a worrier and the worst case scenario person. We finally went into the ultrasound room and this time they tried doing an internal ultrasound since it tends to work a little better earlier in the pregnancy. I think they were hoping I was wrong about how far along I was. The ultrasound room has a big screen, they turn off the lights, and it's almost like a movie. Maybe they should have offered me some popcorn and a coke. This time I got to see nothing on a giant screen, just an empty sack.

The doctor and the ultrasound tech said that while my body was showing that I should be 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I should actually be 10 weeks and 3 days. The baby never actually formed, there was a fetal pole, but there was never a heartbeat, and my body stopped trying to make it happen at 7 weeks but was still having a hard time giving up completely which is why I never experienced cramping or bleeding. I didn't know you could have a miscarriage without cramping and bleeding. The doctor prescribed 2 doses of misoprostol, a drug that was supposed to force my body to miscarry. It didn't work. I went back in the see her and she decided we needed to schedule a D&C. I signed the paper work for the D&C and I was about to leave her office when I stopped and asked if we could try the medication again. I really wanted to avoid the surgery and felt like I needed to give my body another chance to do things as natural as possible. It was Wednesday, and the surgery wasn't going to happen until Monday anyway, so she agreed to prescribe 2 more doses of misoprostol but I had to take the first dose that night and the second dose the following night and come back to see her again Friday. If this second attempt didn't work, then we had to do the surgery Monday. A week after finding out we were no longer expecting, my body finally miscarried on it's own.

Will we try again? I don't know. I hope so. This was really hard though and I would hate to go through it again, for any of us to go through it again. We are very lucky that Mattie isn't old enough to understand what has happened. We're also insanely lucky to have a beautiful daughter who is healthy and happy and pretty freakin perfect if I do say so myself. I know a lot of people aren't as lucky as we are, some people don't have any children, some women have had multiple miscarriages, some parents lose their babies in the 2nd and sometimes 3rd trimester. I can't imagine. We're lucky. We also have goals we wanted to meet before we had another baby, which is why we decided to wait another year. If, by chance, we get pregnant again before we plan on it, I am going to love the shit out of that baby just like I love M and we'll be twice as lucky, even if we're broke for a little longer than we hope to be.

So, why am I writing about something so personal on a blog, on the internet, where anyone can read it? This blog is about M and her parents and the things we experience as new parents. I also thought it would be a therapeutic way of getting all these thoughts out of my head. If this is a pretty common occurrence, why does it feel like I'm the only person this happened to? I think it's because no one talks about it when it happens. Is that because it's almost impossible to talk about? I know I still can't actually bring myself to speak the words to tell this story, but I can write it. Or is it because no one else talks about it so when it happens we feel like we shouldn't, like we aren't supposed to? I don't want it to feel like a dirty little secret. It's not. It happened and we're dealing with it. I want our families to know what exactly happened so they don't have questions. Most of all, if M ever actually reads this someday, I want her to know that these things happen and you go through it and come out on the other side. Learn from everything.

Something I have learned from this is that no one seems to know what to say to you when you tell them this happened. You don't have to say anything, and sometimes simply saying "I'm sorry" is enough. I think Ryan and I both walked around in a weird shocked and stunned haze for several days. I don't think we knew what to say to each other and I know I didn't want to hear anyone speak. I later told Ryan that I think what I needed most was to sit quietly on the couch and watch tv with someone sitting quietly next to me. My daughter, who has always refused to sit in my lap and watch tv in the past, sat on my lap for an entire day just watching Sesame Street with me. I am so lucky, 100%.