Small Hands

You know what they say about small hands right? They shouldn't rub swollen pregnant cankles! I've been putting off getting a pedicure for a while now. I don't have a lot of "free time" to go. Sure, I could take M with me and normally I would but this might be the last time I get a chance to relax for a while. Not to mention I was really looking forward to sitting back in that giant leather chair and letting someone massage my puffy feet and legs. I could just picture myself melting into that chair, head tilted back, mouth open with a bit of drool dribbling out and fighting the urge to nap while a pedicure specialist rubbed and kneaded my doughy feet. Friday was my first opportunity to go alone, so I did. I dropped M off at her Nana & Pop's and practically drove my car into the first nail salon I saw. I chose my color and climbed into that cozy chair, my feet hit the water and I realized, this water is not warm. I'm not one to complain though or tell other people how to do their jobs. Years spent working in customer service will do that to you. I thought maybe they were being nice and keeping the temperature on the cooler side since they could see the constant shower of sweat dripping off of me. Or maybe they just didn't want me to ruin their leather chair with my pooling sweat droplets. Whatever their reason, I didn't complain, the last thing I wanted was to piss them off when I needed them so much. My next reaction was to the girl kneeling in front of me, preparing her tools. I thought to myself, "Um, this ain't gonna cut it. She is tiny and those are some small hands. My ankle is the size of her head right now. Can we get a man over here? This job requires some man-handling. Literally". Again, I didn't complain. Who knows, maybe she has superhuman strength that I don't even know about. After my feet had soaked in the frigid water and she had finished scrubbing and shaving away my extremely unattractive callouses, she reached for her bottle of lotion and I could barely contain my excitement. I even closed my book in anticipation. I leaned back, smacked my lips to prepare the drool and she began to very gently rub lotion on me as if she were rubbing lotion on a newborn baby. Girl, I might be pregnant but these lower extremities need some abuse. Work it!! Show me some muscle!!! As she gently spread lotion over my legs and feet, I let her talk me into upgrading several different things. I only wanted a pedicure but if it will make you put your back into this massage then yes, I would love to have my nails done too. Sure, go ahead and use the fancier lotion, what's $5 more? I went in for a $20 pedicure and walked out on my swollen ankles $40 lighter. Lesson: do not pay small hands to rub your swollen ankles.

Now you know when to avoid small hands but when should you seek those small hands out? I have the perfect job for anyone with small hands. Gynocologist! When your doctor is checking your cervix, check their hands first. No kidding, that shit hurts! Worse than labor in my opinion and the last thing you need are some giant hands doing that job. Seriously, they should give you an epidural for that. I was nervous going in, which made me sweat even more, prompting my doctor to ask if my water broke or if I'm just that sweaty. She asked me to relax my knees, I mean.... come one. Relax? Show me the epidural if you want me to relax. My first instinct was to grab on to something but there was nothing to grab. No rail. Nothing. Can't they at least give you a stress ball to squeeze? Luckily, my doctor is nice and saw me frantically reaching out for something to hold and she held her arm out and told me to take it. I did. It was nice of her but an epidural would have been better. I also noticed and appreciated her tiny hands at that moment, although when she's rooting around in there like she's on a treasure hunt, it's still not pleasant. I kept telling myself it could have been worse. She could have been one of the male doctors with giant hands. Lesson: check those hands ladies! Your cervix will thank you, but only a little.